@Cheeseboy22: New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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@TVsCarlKinsella: ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately! KIDS: ... STAFF: ... ALBUS: I can't control them.
@Bobinhiding: Sext I just received from my wife- "Wake up! You're snoring so loud on the couch, you may as well come to bed."
@DanMentos: 18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese 42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
@ohpeetie: Cop: "Can you describe the person who robbed you?" Me: "He had on a black shirt and hat with a green apron and charged me $6 for coffee"