New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Mornin
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days