New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
This is a bad sign
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right