Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
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You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies