santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.