WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
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Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
constantly working on myself.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
#math
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff