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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
our love story in four pictures
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé