New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
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*limbos away from your hug*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December