[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
The Friday File.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”