NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
when dads have a rap battle
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great