NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what