pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
being a writer on Twitter:
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.