Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
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I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?