New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests