New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
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Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Donkey Kong sommelier
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.