Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
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I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.