Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
then why did i get this email
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I camp so other people don’t have to.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!