Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
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Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
I have so many questions.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.