Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
You Might Also Like
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂