@Smartticisms: Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I'm going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.

@donni: Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

@thatUPSdude: So what's your secret? ~People that don't understand how secrets work.

@FreddyAmazin: 3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.