[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Optional boss fight.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
mariah carrie