Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that