My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
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Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Morning.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!