“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
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First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Doctors texting each other.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*