[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.