[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.