[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
😂😂😂
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
there’s probably a fee though
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.