News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
wait.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.