@FunnyOrDieNews: News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
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@hippieswordfish: 'babe, i'm ready' -says my wife, from the bedroom 'be right there' -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string
@KeetPotato: *gives gf a small gift wrapped box* "aww what's this, youre so sweet" *opens it* "wait, is this my toothbrush?" YOU DONT LIVE HERE KAREN
@jabba_jabba_jaw: Hug your children. Hug your friends and family. Hug the cashier at Chipotle. Hug someone else's children. Hug the arresting officer.
@lisaxy424: 30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn't calling the number I dialed.