Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My dog learned how to text
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler