News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”