News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”