So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
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I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?