News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
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Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.