Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
You Might Also Like
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away