News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.