I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?