News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Animal poetry
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I hate when that happens.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
is this a threat
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”