Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.