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@MomOnFire: Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to "steal" as many as she wants.
@ExcuseThePuns_: What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
@Poutymcgee: I just Googled "Living with Glaucoma" before realising it was just a fingerprint smudge on my glasses.
@MyMomologue: What I thought I would say as a parent:
"You are going to change the world."
What I say as a parent:
"Stop licking the window."
@BoogTweets: Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he's only twenty.
@Beerhaze: Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am... Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.