Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.