[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
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One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I am having an out of money experience.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?