Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Got him!
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine