Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
My sex drive has a dui
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.