@Dutch_50: Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
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@shkeeber: I may not be the sharpest sandwich in the tree, but put my pants on one sleeve at a time just like you. Do you have any cookies?
@PaperWash: [wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today? [me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that baby get stronger than me
@queuethorn: mom: what's that internet thing called, "scream shitting"? me: ... me: shitposting? mom: SHITPOSTING.
@girl_a_whirl: All I'm saying is if you've ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you'd NEVER ask me to put a condom on.