Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
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Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren鈥檛 regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How鈥檚 your water? Too wet?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one鈥檚 laughing now. I鈥檓 receiving treatment and everyone鈥檚 been really supportive.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 馃く
Her: Stop telling my friends you鈥檙e a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I have a degree in graphic design. It鈥檚 not real but it鈥檚 hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I would throw more parties if they didn鈥檛 turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet