*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil