Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
I was bored.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.