Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
You Might Also Like
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.