Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
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Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream