[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
You Might Also Like
🤣😈🤣
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Happy birthday to all the women
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind