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Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds