What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
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A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur