At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
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Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
What a chick magnet..
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
excuse me